Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man
I'm back.
Ladies & Gentlemen.....
Stephen W. Hawking
This crazy bastard has now starred in 3 computer games, an episode of The Simpsons, has appeared on The Sky At Night with Patrick Moore (i taped it, it's like a still image with soundtrack watching Hawks interview), he's released 3 albums under an MC guise and is due this year to release a lifestory audiobook of epic proportions called Pull The Fucking Plug.
This full metal jacket wearing cyber-killer, Stephen William Hawking, began life in Oxford, England. He won countless Young Scientist Of The Year awards before eventually applying for a place in the local, famous University. During this period, he was courting, quite seriously too, with local bike Tanni Grey Thompson. They rolled to college together, and spent many a night studying the effects of athletic competitions in outer space, and how Lucozade Sport can provide 33% more solar system.
One day, Stephen decided he'd had enough of complications with the athletic astronomy procedures because no-one took him seriously. He ended up getting drunk, eating mash potatoes all day long and finally deciding to take part in an event that would change his life forever. Chicken in the road.
He ran out across the street towards the local school fields and to his utter dismay the impact of a brown Ford Orion took him by surprise, it was travelling at a massive 24 m.p.h. and launched the teenage scientist down the road half a mile. By the time the ambulance arrived, the poor chief had consigned himself to the fact his life was to be a formula along the lines of STEVE1=FUCKEDx100
As the years have passed, Hawking has suffered much trauma in the way of medical & relationship meanings. Firstly his hope of a medical breakthrough in body recovery were dashed when Dr. Bender revealed to him sadly one day that the fact Stephen's vertebrae was broken into 364 pieces, 15 which ended up lodged in his rectum, any hope of a 10% recovery was dashed from the off.
Months later, his girlfriend was hit by an 18-wheeler delivering 16 tonnes of legs for the scientist to try out, two-by-two. She lost both her legs and was confined to a Colin McRae rally wheelchair. His relationship with Tanni hit a tragic point when after she learnt he can never provide e-jizz to make metal babies due to the fact his penis was in 46 pieces, she began to see fellow robotnic, Christopher Reeve. When Stephen found out about this, he hit the roof - in theory. Tanni left him for Christopher, and his world fell apart.
After months of e-soul searching and rock bottom sitting in silence, Stephen took a whole new twist on his personal life and decided to download Gay Life, a new revolutionary software for all living robots to enable them to fully change their preferences. This led to Stephen seducing Christopher one cold night in Hammersmith. The ex-Superman had a sore armrest after a fight with Johnny 5, so Stephen downloaded Nurse Role and treated Reeve to more than just e-fixing. A brief fling with TV legend David Hasselhoff occured that same year with explicit screengrabs from Stephens brain-webcam recording appearing to show the scientish giving the Hoff another style of free Pipex subscription. Repeatedly.
Following being given the push by The Hoff, Hawking booked himself into the Priory. He was rejected as the doors on the padded cells were too thin to fit him through, so he left to join a rival clinic and has since been recording tracks for the afore-mentioned LP named Pull The Fucking Plug. Tracks such as Insane (feat. Dark Monks) and You've Done It All, a Steve Harley cover are already sounding absolutely pathetic. A side project of working for Bill Gates has however earned the Hawkman enough money to keep his electric running.