The Random Crap Thread

Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

BEER VS. VAGINA:

1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work. One point to BEER

2. Warm beer tastes awful. One point to VAGINA

3. A really cold beer is satisfying. One point to BEER

4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. One point to VAGINA

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive or even walk anywhere. One point to VAGINA

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any pussy in public, you become a legend. One point to VAGINA

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer. One point to VAGINA

9. You normally don't find old beer. One point to BEER

10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God. One point to VAGINA

11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun. One point to VAGINA

12. In most countries there's a tax on beer. One point to VAGINA

13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off at you. One point to BEER

14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can. One point to BEER

15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down. One point to BEER

16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc. One point to BEER

17. You always know how much beer is going to cost. One point to BEER

18. Beer doesn't have a mother. One point to BEER

19. Beer never expects to be hugged or cuddled for half an hour after you've drank it. One point to BEER

FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 8

That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated, just remember that beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them, an extra point for BEER!

FINAL SCORE: BEER: 11 VAGINA: 8
 
Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

Okay, this is not funny...

BBC NEWS said:
Youths began letting off fireworks near where the intermediate game was taking place between a Belfast Harlequins team and Jordanstown seconds in Twinbrook.

One of the fireworks lodged in the helmet of the Jordanstown goalkeeper.
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Not funny... Don't laugh...
 
Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

Oh my God. The day that they turn that website into an online shop is the day that I die of a quadruple heart attack.
 
Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

Hear hear. Feel-good story of the year. :thumbup:
 
Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

Fucking hell, first we get a firework in someone's helmet, now one in someone's arse!! :lol:

What a fucking rimjob :p
 
Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

Girls Explained in IT Terms

~*~Types Of Girls~*~

HARD DISK GIRLS:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM GIRLS:
She forgets about you the moment you turn her off.

WINDOW GIRLS:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

SCREENSAVER GIRLS:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun.

INTERNET GIRLS:
Difficult to access.

SERVER GIRLS:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA GIRLS:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM GIRLS:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL GIRLS:
Of every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS GIRLS:
Also known as "wife''. When you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something. If don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything...
 
Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

How many times do I have to tell the BBC to leave my dad alone?!
 
Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

You just gotta love Digg:

http://www.digg.com/health/The_Complete_Ownage_of_a_Woman
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/274495936.html

Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.
Date: 2007-02-06, 2:24PM PST


I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.
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Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

This probably isn't funny to anybody else, but my God, I was pissing my sides making it. This is a letter that I was trying to dictate using Windows Vista's built-in speech recognition software (after an hour of listening to my voice to understand me)...

The bold bits are where I've said the following:
1) "she sells sea shells by the sea shore" twice
2) "my girlfriend's name is Samantha"
3) "please understand everything that I am saying"
4) "if I talk in a much posher voice do you understand me any better?"
5) "the Ordinary Boys are rubbish"
6) "it is Windows Vista's best feature"
7) "I take a vitamin tablet every day"

NOT Jack Bauer said:
Hello, my name is crests maybe. And, from a. IME sort of its she entered 1,000,000 suit galashiels the acrobatic schemes do ask. Falstaff now washed
On of her own of of. You are a letter to slow or. [1] Who has seen sales had seen the her. She nick sales are seen shells by Christine sure. The and the look at it in a O the.. [2] My girlfriend's name is some owned a long-term very much for start of. [3] Please understand everything but I am saying. Please understand everything that I am saying. [4] If I'd call it in march kosher boys do you understand me any better? Had been it will a hat illegal oaths to [5] the ordinary glories a room issue I am I and a. I all going to take this seriously, under the issue you would specific, unced. I am going to bed because you are stupid. Up but where are you angry? Or could you. Silly but desk and looked slowly brought the whole economy badly needed to owned by the mistress's stolen from a poem salt or at antediluvian steam galas you're the acrobat the year last back down balanced on her all her own law costs from a URL attitudes lower than machine sales@there are hosting a result of Montserrat very much for startled please understand everything Lions it clearly shown them to provide dying in either court in Glasgow to is the islanders under the happening do not have the legal or equitable young boys unwillingness to I am I am day it all go instinct that you sleep on the issue unsettling on I'm going to let him last into a to the the letter a OA Oregon you're saying but because gallant low into the hallway, the colony's by: tell a look and listen so he bought the estate outlook slowly brought bottle way, the her badly beleaguered a reply to Mr. Souness: from a poem style crash horror at the opening of the on screen guts your be a cover up and stared at the L.A. much that one call her on an hour or more goals: a dozen or a have a Latin she let her have the talent is balanced. Dear Mr. Davies, a

How'd you like my voice recognition software? [6] If it is when I was vistas racist each year. A a a lot insist a I am discussed it with your attitude. A tank and who I am are. Are you implying that I am the size of a tank? She still a look at conciliatory as a retired in her own and set your ANC's class into whatever passing style you want your team to play under Johnston had seen housing crossed my own tempo slightest to match this number. They're not just the players operating behind the overseas in a four dashboard - two this means SBS, the CS,. does not maintain done incarnate are. Through this feature is a waste of time. [7] I'd take a bitter man tablet every day! A her feet are O and have a OI had. Undone by smelly feet the anything at nine months.
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Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

That's cos Vista's speech recognition software doesn't understand Scouse :( :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
 
Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

I'm not that scouse, and besides, the software is supposed to "learn" the sound of your voice. How the hell does "Samantha" sound like "sum-own-dah" in scouse?!
 
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