funny jokes

A young lad asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"

Granny replies,
"Never mind the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?!"
 
A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth." "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist." "Yes, I know." "So, why did you come in here?"
"The light was on..." :P
 
A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'

Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.


The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'

Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher.. 'If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit'

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'

'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them theystarted throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking*to*see under my jacket in case I had explosives'

'Oh dear' says the teacher.
'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit'

===============================================================


A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he's
not too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My
darring" he says. "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten. I
promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting
you want. Whatchou want?"

He is trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his new
virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for
her request.

She eventually replies, shyly and unsure. "I want to try somethin' I
have hear about... numbaa 69"

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually in a
puzzled tone, he asks:

"You want ... chicken wiff broccori?"
 
I wouldn't say either of those are actually racist. The first one is a joke on society (ie the teacher) still being a bit racist when a lot of people think society is very PC and racism is a thing of the past and I wouldn't have thought the second would be particularly offensive?!?
 
A priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.

During mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
 
article-1109262-02FC1A2B000005DC-779_468x294.jpg


Turns out Ronaldo was right, the wall wasn't as far back as it should have been.
 
I heard that Al Fayed wants to sign him for Fulham. Not to play but to teach his others drivers how to crash safely in a tunnel
 
Apparently when police arrived at the scene of the accident they found Ronaldo rolling on the floor next to his car refusing to get up unless the wall was booked.
 
Steven Gerrard has issued an apology to the people of Liverpool for not setting an example to the kids.

He admits he probably should have stabbed the DJ and nicked his car.
 
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
 
Yeah that was a pretty bad joke :DD

Not bad good either, Just bad. As in it's not even a joke, just a story that isn't funny. A story that isn't funny and would never happen :ROLL:






;))
 
It's so bad it's good...

A Tale of Two Prawns
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were swimming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted." Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail (the punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the Gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, He set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into becoming your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed........."


(You're going to love this.....)


"I found Cod.....I'm a Prawn again, Christian."
 
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter - 10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping . . . . . . .
 
The Black Bra

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, the other is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our partners by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you' and we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice and heels under a raincoat and the mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I shared my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came*in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Batman?"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom