funny jokes

Yesterday me and the missus were walking around the town of Corralejo on our holiday and the missus says she fancies a crepe. I said she should have gone at the hotel.
 
A few jokes in bad taste:

My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don't worry, at least he died in comfort.

They say that, in a few years time, space travel will be affordable to the masses. I plan on taking my daughter and her friends on a trip. Apparently, in space no-one can hear you scream.

What’s the hardest part about seeing a dead baby on the beach?
Hiding your erection

What does a dead baby in an oven look like?
I don’t know either, I was too busy wanking.

Why do you put a baby in the blender feet first?
So you can look it in the eye when you cum.

A woman has been in a coma for 3 months, showing no signs of recovery.
One day, whilst giving her a bed bath, the nurse notices that there is a flicker on the monitor when they are cleaning her cunt.
The doctors send for her husband and tactfully explain the situation suggesting that he tries oral s3x to see if it gets a bigger response. So the medical staff draw the curtains to give him some privacy and await developments.
After about five minutes all the monitors suddenly go berserk and they rush in to find the woman stone dead.
"What happened?" demands a doctor...
"Dunno, reckon she mighta choked," comes the reply.

We call our granddad "Spiderman".
He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why, she said, "because I'm trying to examine you!"

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
Bit of both, this is a rape.
 
SXFuzz said:
jokes...
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I don't get the dead baby jokes. Do people get turned on by killing babies or something?

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FOOTBALLER Cristiano Ronaldo is being lined up to star in a multi-million dollar remake of the epic TV series Roots.

Producers say the star's treatment at the hands of Manchester United make him the perfect choice to portray the young African slave who is beaten by his brutal masters.

The Portuguese winger said he had been traumatised by 'outrageous' demands that he honour the £125,000 a week, legally-binding contract, which has brought him only, misery, adulation and Gemma Atkinson.

Speaking from the titanium gazebo in the rose garden of his 31-room mansion, Ronaldo said: "I feel I can relate to the suffering of African slaves.

"If anything, it is worse, because footballers cannot sing while we work, whereas they had time to develop gospel music during their 16-hours shifts before dropping dead from exhaustion."

In the series a young African boy is dragged from his homeland and shipped to America where he is forced to work in the fields by a cruel and violent plantation owner.

"The similarities are uncanny, though admittedly, the Lear Jet that flew me from Lisbon to Manchester wasn't packed with 150 other players sleeping head-to-toe."

Ronaldo also conceded that, while the slave-master in Roots administered brutal beatings, Man Utd boss Sir Alex Ferguson had nurtured his talent, lavished him with praise and turned him into one of the best footballers in the world.

"But without the freedom to do whatever I want, wherever I want, for whatever fee I want, I am exactly the same as a cotton picker forced to live in a shed, dying at the age of 32."

He added: "I know the people will love my acting. Already, in the streets, I hear many of them calling me 'Kunta'."
 
Nick Cave said:
Are the baby and kid stuff pedophile related or lost something in translation, either way they aren't funny... Or the rape jokes either, the grandad one was funny though :DD
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Yeah the Baby ones are disturbing.

The Grandad one was funny. I want to use it - but none of my grandparents are alive :((
 
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the landlord: 'Don't mind us, were joined at the hip. I'm
John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.'

The landlord, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while
pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and hire
a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the landlord. 'Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like that British stuff,' says John. 'Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English!'

'So why keep going to England?' asks the landlord.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'
 
How is it you can throw a burnt match out of a car window and start a forest fire, but you can use two boxes of matches, a box of fire lighters, 500ml of lighter fuel and a Sunday paper but still cant light the BBQ?
 
A plane is in flight. Suddenly a speaker goes on, and the pilot says 'Hello ladies and Gentlemen, we've just reached, OH SHIT!'
The stunned passengers wait in a terrified silence. Finnaly, the speaker comes back on, and the pilot once again speaks. 'Sorry for that disturbance, the stewardess just spilt coffee on me. You should see the front of my pants!'
A man at the end of the plane shouts 'You should see the back of mine!'
 
After surviving a serious car crash, Morgan Freeman has denied reports that he was over twice the legal limit for alcohol intake when his car flipped several times near his home on Sunday night. Blaming bad conditions, he put the incident down to the fact it was a "dark knight"

*gets coat*
 
Gary Glitter has gone into rehab...

in an attempt to try to conquer his seven year old crack addiction
 
On hearing of her cancer Jade Goody's spirits were lifted by a kind text from Gary Glitter to say "Sorry to hear of your troubles, if you ever need a babysitter....."

Weightwatchers have announced Jade Goody as "Slimmer of the Month" or August, September, October, and if she lasts that long, November
 
Gary Glitter tried to commit suicide by jumping out of the airplane and into the sea, but not to worry, the coastguards found him bobbing up and down on a buoy.
 
Gary Glitter was given a date for his release. She is 8, but with her make up on she looks 12.

To celebrate the release of Gary Glitter burger king have announced the new glitter burger. It's a piece of 60 year old meat that cums in a 12 year old bun.

i got a new car stereo- It's voice activated. I shout 'country', it plays Dolly Parton, I shout 'rock' it plays Guns 'n' Roses. Was driving through town the other day and some little shits ran out infront of the car i shouted 'fucking kids' and it played Gary Glitter.

A survey asked 165 or so spanish where they liked to sleep on there holidays all but 19 said they prefered to just crash at the airport.

Police have released the bodies from the burnt out mansion now that their cold.....Well you wouldn't want your fosters warm would you?
 
The last two are shocking. The thing about using recent events in tasteless fashion is that the jokes then need to be funny as well. They're just poor. May as well have just gone "lolz, peoples burnings".

Ok, I'm done.
 
Gary glitter bought 100 cases of glenfiddich scotch whisky today.

The salesman told him it's a cheeky little twelve year old that goes down well!
 
Nick Cave said:
Urban I have that photo (your Avatar) in my wallet... ;))

Oh and the biggest joke at the mo has to be England at football...
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Nick, your one of the few men on this forum that i agree with most of the stuff you post on here.

It pleases me that there is something else we agree on:-pp

You have to say though the picture is strangly devine consindering the female yeah?
 
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