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funny jokes

I'm not worried she hasn't text me back
I'm not worried about Jezza's dog
I'm not worried I've only got 96 friends
And I know what you're thinking, but I'm not worried about my dad smoking

No, I'm just worried that on April Fools Day, the bitch will be on the front page of the sun with the headline "gotcha"
 
For Sale:

One new blonde wig.
Unused Mother's Day present.

If interested, contact Jack.
 
Jade Goody famously thought that Cambridge was in London, and that Rio de Janeiro was a person.

She was so thick, her spirit is probably wandering around Haven holiday resort wondering where the pearly gates are.
 
Hahah yeah that was funny, stupid for ordering it knowing it'd be on her expenses though.

Hold on, doesn't that mean she's getting Sky 'on expenses', ie. we're paying for it through taxes?

Fucking cunts.
 
Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was asalted.
 
A seemingly heathly man parks in a disabled bay in a car park, and almost instantly a traffic warden appears.

"I see you have parked in a disabled bay sir, may I ask what qualifies you to park here?"

The man replies, "I have Tourettes, now f*ck off you c*nt."
 
Here's one I heard down the battle cruiser the other day..

An old man and his grandson Johnny are on the way back from the park one day when Johnney turns to the old man and asks, "Grand Pa, do you believe in God?".

The old man replies "Yes, Johnny I do. Now and again when I wake up in the middle of night and want to go for a wee he turns the light on for me. He's a really nice guy like that."

When they arrive back at the old man's house Johnny turns to his Grand Ma and asks the same question. "Grand Ma do you believe in God? Grand Pa does; apparently if he needs a wee in the middle of the night he turns the light on for him...".

"Oh no" says Grand Ma, "..he's been weeing in the fridge again!"
 
What's the difference between David Blaine and Tim?

David Blaine only managed to stay 40 days in a Box, Tim is still there. ;)
 
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

(THINK ABOUT IT BEFORE YOU CLICK THE SPOILER...)

Dr. Dre
 
BAH. Sorry for not remembering something you said a year ago.

(Actually that's freaky, it's only one week off being exactly one year ago... Perhaps it's just a summer joke...)
 
Due to the fact Michael Jackson is 99% plastic it's been decided he won't be cremated but melted down and made into Lego so that the younger generation can play with him for a change.
 
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