funny jokes

A guy gets a job at the zoo and on his first day he is given the job of cleaning the bird house. Everything is going okay until he's sweeping a corner and accidentally bangs the brush into a bird and it drops down dead. Worried about his job, he puts the bird in his pocket and waits until he is near the lion's cage and throws it in.
Two hours later he has to clean the monkey house. Again, no problems until he nudges a small box and it falls on the floor leaving a couple of dead baby apes. He quickly puts them in his jacket and walks past the lion's cage and throws them in.
Just before lunch, he is told to take the honey from the hive, He's doing fine until he gets a sting and he drops one of the honeycombs, instantly squashing dozens of bees. Into the pocket they go and then into the lion's cage.
The last job of the day is the delivery of a new lion. No problems. Everything goes smoothly and the new lion walks up to his new friends.
"Alright mate, what's it like here?"
"Pretty good actually. The cage is big and we have plenty of lionesses."
"What's the food like?"
"Not bad. You just missed lunch, actually"
"What did you have?"
"Finch, chimps and mushy bees"
 
Witnesses at the scene of the Ronaldo crash say he was only lightly tapped by a car from behind, when all of the sudden the car flipped over and rolled ten times. It then span around on the spot for two minutes, then all the wheels fell off and it caught fire.

:LOL:
 
Not a joke exactly, but type ..Find Chuck Norris.. into Google & press "I'm Feeling Lucky"
 
A man is ice fishing one night when he hears a booming voice overhead.

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE"

Rather shocked the guy shouts, "Is that you God?"

The voice replies, "No you thick cunt, it's the ice rink manager."
 
Alfie Patton has joined Fathers4Justice.

He doesnt quite understand the politics of it but he already has the Spiderman outfit.
 
Gary Glitter has been in the news alot lately.

Recently he was asked what his favourite song he sang was?
He replied with, "The if you 'Wanna be in my gang' one"

The reporter asked him, "so exactly how does one get into 'your gang'"?

Glitter replied with, " I cant give you exact details, but i can tell you that it all starts with a PC with internet connection"...
 
-What do you do if your wife comes into the living room?

Shorten the chain.


-What do you do if your dishwasher breaks?

Slap her.


-What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you've already told her twice.
 
Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are working on a builders site.

At lunch time, the Englishman opens his lunchbox and says, "Pasty. If I get a pasty one more time I swear I'm going to throw myself off this building."

The Scotsman opens his and says, "Haggis! If I get haggis one more fucking time I'm juming off too!"

The Irishman opens his and says, "Potatoes... If I get potatoes one more time I'm jumping off the building."

The next day, the Englishman opens his lunch, sees a pasty and promptly throws himself off the top floor. The Scotsman, seeing Haggis in his, duly follows. The Irishman, seeing potatoes, jumps off the building too.

The next day, at the joint funeral, the Englishman's wife is crying out, "If only I'd known he hated pasties, I'd have cooked something else." The Scotsman's wife cries, "If only I knew he hated haggis, I'd have given him something different." All eyes on the Irishman's wife. "Don't look at me, Paddy packed his own lunch."
 
It's a boy girl thing...

WOMAN'S DIARY
28 February 2009 Saturday

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be
paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in.
He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed,
I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply, He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love
- but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

MAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 28 February

Footy, England lost again.

Gutted.

Got a shag though.
 
Max Clifford has released Jade Goody's media schedule for 2009:

January - GMTV
February - News Of The World
March - OK Magazine
April - Most Haunted
 
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