The Random Crap Thread

Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

pics of her are hard to find. Theyre all tiny and limited!!!! If anyone finds nice big pics, feel free to post.
 
Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

Butatista said:
I would put her in the minus pinter, like -3 pints! :mrgreen:
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That's an interesting one, a negative pints scale... how will that work out? :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

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Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

Guys, hate to let you down if you want a brain along with Rosa - she's as thick as shit.:lmao:
 
Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

Talking of thick as shit, I remember this one time (not at band camp!), an old friend of mine thought that cuckoos lived in a clock... typical dumb blonde :lol:
 
Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

Declaration of Revocation
by John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old

enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by

adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.
:lol:
 
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Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

Masturbation 'cuts cancer risk'

Men could reduce their risk of developing prostate cancer through regular masturbation, researchers suggest.

They say cancer-causing chemicals could build up in the prostate if men do not ejaculate regularly.

And they say sexual intercourse may not have the same protective effect because of the possibility of contracting a sexually transmitted infection, which could increase men's cancer risk.

Australian researchers questioned over 1,000 men who had developed prostate cancer and 1,250 who had not about their sexual habits.


This is a plausible theory
Dr Chris Hiley, Prostate Cancer Charity
They found those who had ejaculated the most between the ages of 20 and 50 were the least likely to develop the cancer.

The protective effect was greatest while the men were in their 20s.

Men who ejaculated more than five times a week were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer later in life.
Click to expand...

Long live pr0n. :mrgreen:
 
Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

# Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
# Witness: "Borofkin."
# Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
# Witness: "I can't remember."
# Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
# Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"

more here! :lol:
 
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Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

Behold:
If your eyes follow the movement of the rotating pink dot, you will only see one color, pink.
If you stare at the black + in the center, the moving dot turns to green.
Now, concentrate on the black + in the center of the picture. After a short period of time,
all the pink dots will slowly disappear, and you will only see a green dot rotating if you're lucky!
It's amazing how our brain works. There really is no green dot, and the pink ones really don't disappear.
This should be proof enough, we don't always see what we think we see.
image.gif


NJOY!

Pretty cool huh? :mrgreen:

Source: http://www.patmedia.net/marklevinson/cool/cool_illusion.html
 
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Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

BBC News is reporting that Bill Gates and software giant Microsoft have signed to become first "Founding Partner" of the new Wembley stadium, in a five-year deal worth at least £5m. Microsoft technology will be used in the stadium, and the firm will get use of the pitch for 90 minutes a year. Guess where Vista will be launched in UK next year? Microsoft's press release is also available."

Source: Slashdot.org
 
Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

News from Yorskhire
Extract from the Yorkshire Evening Post:

"A drunk who claimed he had been raped by a dog was yesterday jailed for 12 months by a judge. Martin Hoyle, 45, was arrested by police after a passing motorist and his girlfriend found a Staffordshire bull terrier, called Badger, having sex with him at the side of a road in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire.

Prosecutor Ben Crosland said the couple had stopped to help because they thought Hoyle was being attacked by the animal. But when they got closer they saw that he had his trousers round his ankles, was down on all fours and the dog was straddling him from behind.

"The defendant mumbled something about the dog having taken a liking to him," said Mr Crosland. "The couple were extremely offended and sickened by what they saw." Another passing motorist contacted the police and Hoyle was arrested as he walked with the dog down the road.

Hoyle, of East view, Marsh, Huddersfield, told police "I can't help it if the dog took a liking to me. He tried to rape me."

He repeated the ra pe allegation at the police station and added "The dog pulled my trousers down." Hoyle, who has had a long-standing alcohol problem, was jailed for 12 months after he admitted committing an act which outraged public decency.

His barrister said Hoyle had no memory of the incident because of his drunken state, but was now very remorseful and incredibly embarrassed.

Jailing him, Judge Alistair McCallum told Hoyle "Never before in my time at the bar or on the bench have I ever had to deal with somebody who voluntarily allowed himself to be buggered by a dog on the public highway. Frankly it is beyond most of our comprehension. It is an absolutely disgusting thing for members of the public to have to witness
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http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/mb606/F2241577?thread=1247780
 
Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

Ladies, I bring you the 30,000 Calorie Sandwich....

http://www.spartantailgate.com/forums/showthread.php?t=127131

Ingredients (I feel proper Delia Smith now! :D)

Fried Mushrooms – (15) 450
Bacon – 14 pieces 990
Onion rings – (18) 1140
Ground Beef – 1/4 lb. 293
Corndogs – (2) 540
Swiss Cheese – 4 slices 425
Provolone Cheese – 4 slices 397
Cheddar Cheese – 4 slices 455
Sliced Ham – 1/4 lb. 184
Sliced Turkey – 1/4 lb. 181
Pastrami – 1/4 lb. 394
Sliced Roast Beef – 1/4 lb. 200
Bratwurst – (1) 510
Braunschweiger – 1/4 lb. 580
Wheat Bread – 1 lb. 1030
Lettuce – 1/2 head 25
Feta Cheese – 4 oz. 350
Italian Salad Dressing – 6 oz. 480
Oregeno – 50 grams 438
Salt & Pepper – 50 grams 0
Butter – 1/2 lb. 1600
Parmesan Cheese – 100 grams 465
Canola Oil – 154 Tbsp. 18,432

Total Calorie count = 29,559

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Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

Scunthorpe....

Just checking
 
Re: Random Crap III - As Authorised By The Man

Ahhh the spirit of randomness is still alive :)

Carpet
 
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