After one year under the Icelandic manager known as The Ponk, Parma have now switched to the Brazilian legend Roberto Carlos, who has now managed the Italian side for two and a half seasons. The circumstances of this change have been somewhat shrouded in mystery, in our interview with Roberto, we asked if he could tell us more.
Nobody knows, but he certainly wasn't fired. He just kind of vanished off the face of the Earth. If he died in a ditch somewhere that huge purple mohawk would surely have led people to the body. So hopefully he is just having a nice beer somewhere. Obviously Parma needed to get someone else, so here I am.
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The Ponk is missing, presumed dead. Roberto Carlos seems to believe he might be still with us. Send prayers.
The first season was a bit rough.
Yeah don't sugarcoat it. We only ended up one place shy of the 11th spot we were aiming at, but the first half especially was a disaster. My man Gervinho couldn't score, there were a lot of 0-0 draws that season. The board made sure they were watching me like hawks after that.
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A look into the rough first season for Roberto Carlos and Parma.
They needn't have worried.
The second season was a different animal. Dropping out of the cup almost instantly, we could focus our energies at the league. Top spot was never really viable but second place hung in the balance for a while. third place the eventual outcome, a place in the Champions League was what I was really after. The owners were so ecstatic they gave me enough money to go out for a coffee. Barely.
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The original team, before Roberto got his mad hands on it.
Before going into the CL, there have been a lot of changes to the team. Talk us through some of them.
I could give you a run down of some of my best men. Starting at the back, there is the goal keeper Sepe. A solid keeper, and my first choice whenever possible. The rest of the keepers are gone but I now have Hannes Halldórsson from Iceland as my second keeper. He's no Sepe, but he does the business.
In the back we have Mr. Parma himself, Bruno Alves. What a damn legend this mofo is. Teams keep trying to buy him for change, they could add a zero or even two to what they are offering but I would tell them to eat shit every time. He is up there in the age department, but nobody seems to have told him that. Wicked free-kick taker as well. The rest of the defense has been changed around a lot, I don't really need to get into that. Pezzella is still there at left back though, really solid. I am going to be using that word alot, this is a solid team after all.
Next up we have the Defensive midfield, where you had your first real argument with the owners, after the good times started.
Yeah that is really recent. I had Brugman since the start, and added Hallfreðsson at the middle of the first season. Frankly, the Icelander has left me astounded at just how good he is. I used him whenever I could, leaving Brugman on the bench. Old Brugs was fine but never really added any x-factor. When I sold him in the last window, the owners went into full meltdown, just because I sold him a bit under the market value. But with the people here being completely useless and only able to do one thing at a time during the last transfer day, I had to free up funds right away for my replacement, Thiago Maia. And what happened? The players were calling Maia The Leader after two bloody games. TWO GAMES! The owners can suck it. Hope they won't read this.
Further up the midfield, we have interesting additions.
Yeah. With limited funds, I have had to call in some... senior players. Before I go into them I'd like to talk about the one player who would maybe be a bit offended that someone else got the Mr. Parma nickname from me, Gervinho. He had a rough start like I said, but once he started scoring the floodgates opened up all the way. if he is fit for the forward left wing position, he is in there, first choice. On the right side of the pitch, my most dynamic duo so to speak, and original players as well, are Sprocati and Karamoh. Sprocati has a surprising amount of goals in him, and Karamoh has brilliant speed to beat defenders for a cross.
Back into the old folks home, we have Arjen Robben and Franck Ribery, the latter being on loan. I can use them almost anywhere, and I often replace one with the other as they tire faster than many others. Hulk is there as well. He is not that old, but no spring chicken either. I admit I haven't really found the perfect spot for him though, he has played almost all positions at the top half of the pitch.
Then there are the forwards. Many were surprised when you got rid of Cornelius and later Inglese.
Cornelius was a good player, I sold him to get Alfreð Finnbogason. He did alright with Inglese, but then I sold Inglese to get Dzeko in. That was the future plan, Dzeko and Finnbogason at the front.
Both considerably older than the players they replaced.
Yeah but we are currently at the top in Serie A so shut your mouth, alright? These old geezers are doing something right.
Your future plan still didn't work.
Don't remind me. I'm still seeing a shrink over how Finnbogason f**ked me. he came in midseason and at the end of the next season he announced he was retiring. Retiring at 32! Is the man mentally stable? Unlikely. I threw all my trust at him just to get fucked like that. I like my Icelandic players but f**k that guy.
So you went back to get more old guys.
Yeah Quagliarella and Yilmaz came in. Both, again, solid but I tend to pick old Quags when Dzeko isn't fit. And he does fine.
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The current team, going into the Liverpool game.
Like you already said, Parma is now at the top of the league, 2 points ahead of Juve, having just thrown them out of the cup as well, to get into the semis against AC Milan.
I wasn't going to give the cup the light of day, but we got through the first games so I did decide to go all in against Juve and it worked. If things go tits up in the CL, we have that.
You went through Marseille, Chelsea and AZ to advance in the CL, are you not confident ahead of the first knockout game?
Everything about the Champions League has been really weird. In my presser before the first game in the group, I was asked if I agreed that Parma would have an easy time breezing through. Is the press high all the time? This is the first time since 06/07 that Parma even takes part in a European competition! I admit that Chelsea were weirdly passive but apart from that it was hardly easy. Then just this morning, as I was getting everyone ready for the big game against Liverpool tonight, that bald guy who speaks for the owners came in just to make sure I was getting everybody psyched for the big derby against Bologna! What drugs are people here using? I could give two shits about a stupid derby against some weak ass Bologna side.
An interesting choice you made in the last window, to get Gylfi Sigurðsson on a six month loan. Does that mean you will be leaving after this season is over?
Depends, really. If I get some titles in then I am hoping to get an offer from say, England? I would be up for that. But I am not leaving here without a title.
Good luck on the away game against Liverpool, not played at Anfield.
Thanks, we are going to need it.