funny jokes

Now that Wayne Bridge has said he won't play for England whilst Terry is captain shouldn't we all start hoping Terry shags Emile Heskey's missus?
 
Wayne Bridge sent his missus a replica of his cock made from Cadburys chocolate, she said that she prefers Terrys
 
John Terry has done nothing wrong.

All coaching manuals state:If the full back leaves a hole, It's the centre backs job to fill it.
 
I bought a DVD the other day, Tigers greatest 18 holes.

I was not happy when it turned out to be a DVD about golf!
 
Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?



ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?



ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you *****ting me?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.



ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.



ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
 
Radiation said:
Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Click to expand...


My particular favourites:))
 
So...what's the difference between the icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole?

The volcano's still blowing ash >_>
 
Re: So...what's the difference between the icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole?

Cheryl can be the name of a hurricane, which is another form of natural disaster?
 
My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.

I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."

She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"

"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're having a shit."
 
Re: So...what's the difference between the icelandic volcano and Cheryl Cole?

i'm sorry, i guess i was on something last night when i did this thread.. could it be deleted?
:BLUSH:
 
I was in McDonalds the other day and was being served from this fat girl. She gave me my hamburger and said "sorry about the wait" I said "That's ok you fat cunt you'll lose it!"
 
I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door, and they recently asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

==
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything. I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was, "How are you getting on?"

==
My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw.
It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.
 
Jamesy said:
==
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything. I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was, "How are you getting on?"
Click to expand...

Similar thing happened to me, I was at the bus stop last night and this guy who thought he was cool wearing sunglasses hit my legs with this stick! I looked at him and thought i'm not having that so naturally I beat the crap out of him. And his dog.
 
Following on from the news this week about Ribery, Govou and Benzema's illicit behaviour in a Paris nightclub, compromising photos of Henry have emerged in the French press, leading to doubts over his inclusion in the French World Cup squad...

Henry.jpg


From another forum
 
Manchester United have signed a new striker from Nigeria.

On his first day of training, Ferguson picked up the ball and said 'BALL' then pointed at the goal and said 'Goal'. Then he demonstrated a kicking motion and said 'Kick! Understand?' 'Kick ball, goal, GOOOOOAAAALLL!'

Eventually the young African plucks up courage to say "Excuse me Mr Ferguson but I speak very good English", to which he replies ' Sit down son, I'm talking to Berbatov.'
 
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'



The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.



'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.



The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.



Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.



At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'



He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.



Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.



Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'





THERE'S MORE...





Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.



He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.



'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.



He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.



He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun..



Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.



Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.



Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'





IT IS NOT OVER YET...





Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.



He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken



Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.



Once more Paddy shakes his head.



'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.. And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
 
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