This is NOT my work - but it's a massively funny and useful guide to understanding Konami/Conami PR speak
Enjoy
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Through my extensive contacts in the upper echelons of Konami (I once drank saki with good old General Nihou, Seabass and a coco-shutner of a guy who picks up Seabass's laundry). I managed to obtain a copy of the PES development team's orginal vision statement for PES2010. The vision statement was heavily edited by Konami's public relations department before being officially released to the press.
Thought it might be interesting to compare and contrast the press release with the original vision statement.
Originally Posted by Konami Press Release
Konami’s footballing legend evolves into the most realistic football simulation ever this Autumn
DECODED MEANING
This autumn, Electronic Arts will be releasing the most realistic football simulation ever. Because we’re say far off the pace now we can't see FIFA for dust, Konami will be targeting young children by releasing the most dumbed down version of PES yet.
Originally Posted by Konami Press Release
Konami Digital Entertainment GmbH has announced that its forthcoming PES 2010 title will benefit from the most exhaustive raft of new features in the series’ history, with every aspect of the game benefiting from key improvements. Major gameplay additions will make PES 2010 the most realistic football simulation available.
DECODED MEANING
We're tweaking a few bits and pieces here and there. Mostly stuff nobody was asking to be tweaked, much to the game's detriment. Minor gameplay additions should help to make PES feel less like an actual game of football than ever before.
Originally Posted by Konami Press Release
PES 2010 is scheduled for release on PLAYSTATION®3, Xbox 360, PC-DVD, PSP® (PLAYSTATION®Portable), PlayStation®2 and mobile phones in the Autumn, and follows months of analysis and feedback monitoring to enhance the game in every area. PES Productions, Konami’s Tokyo-based development team, has collated feedback on the series’ strengths and weaknesses via fan forums, both ardent and casual PES players and press comment, and has incorporated a wide range of requests in the new game. The result will be the most challenging, realistic and satisfying PES to date.
DECODED MEANING
By releasing the game across as many formats as possible, including the BBC Micro and Atari ST, Konami will be stretching our limited resources so thinly that we won't have a hope in hell of making a decent game. We collated a bunch of suggestions from fan forums and stuff, and our staff had a great time making silly hats out of the print-outs at our last Christmas party. PES will be less challenging than ever before, but hey, five year old kids will be able to go online and score goals with Samuel Eto'o within five minutes of purchasing the game.
Originally Posted by Konami Press Release
We have been monitoring feedback and comments on the progression of the PES series for some time now, and PES 2010 will see us implementing a great deal of the ideas players have been requesting," commented Naoya Hatsumi, Producer for PES Productions at Konami Digital Entertainment Japan.
DECODED MEANING
We saw a bunch of fan requests on the internet, but it really sets our teeth on edge to sit there and go through them ‘em all. Jeez, the people who buy our games sure do whine a lot don't they? Apart from which, Seabass goes all silent and moody whenever any negative feedback regarding PES finds its way back to him. It took us weeks to coax the guy out of the stationary cupboard the last time around and we really don’t want to go through all that rigoramole again.
Originally Posted by Konami Press Release
We aim to make PES 2010 a more user-friendly, immediate experience that places the emphasis on getting straight into the gameplay for which the series is famed. PES 2010 will look better, will play better, and will recreate real football as closely as the current hardware will allow.
DECODED MEANING
The XBox 360 has been out for four years now, and the Playstation 3 for three years, but we still can't get our heads around the goddamn hardware. So we developed the game on the Playstation 2 and we'll pay some flunkies to do the next gen conversions a coupla’ weeks before release. The graphics will be soooo last gen, but hey, retro gaming is really cool right now!
Originally Posted by Konami Press Release
The team has expanded for development of PES 2010, with the creation of a number of dedicated departments focused on different aspects of the game, such as online.
DECODED MEANING
We sprang for a couple of temps so Seabass would have some flunkies around to berate and humiliate when he's not feeling so good about himself.
Originally Posted by Konami Press Release
The key additions/changes to the game are: Gameplay: PES 2010 focuses on enhancing the excitement of matches between players, making for a truly challenging experience that will constantly test the player. Intuitive zonal defending will cover spaces and players need to look constantly for new ways to attack. PES 2010 focuses on being a real football simulation, as it requires both strategic play and quick reactions, as in real life. In addition to key out-field elements, goalkeepers are more versatile and with abilities matching those of modern shot-stoppers. The game's referees have also been reworked, with smarter AI elements allowing them to make more balanced calls during matches.
DECODED MEANING
Oh dear. Look, we're sorry and everything, but PES is shaping up to be a real stinker this year. Again. Can somebody think up some marketing type shizzle for the press release? It needs to be vague and meaningless yet sound like we've taken a totally fresh approach this time around.
Originally Posted by Konami Press Release
Improved Visuals: PES 2010 has undergone a major visual revamp, with its celebrated player likenesses and animations now even closer to those of real-life players – including live player expressions to be depicted with an improved lighting system which differentiates between various conditions! Stadium detail is also massively improved, with the grass and other in-stadium elements finely depicted.
DECODED MEANING
Oh man. This next gen hardware is really doing us in. You mean we have to try and do something with all that extra processing power? No really, you're killing us. Can't we all just go back to the Playstation 2?
Originally Posted by Konami Press Release
All-new Animations and Moves: Animations now dovetail into each other seamlessly, with dribbling and shots on goals worked into dribbling animations. More individual skills are also on show, including new flicks and tricks that have a definite showing on the way a game flows. Several elements have been completely reworked, with the dribbling, turning and kicking animations greatly enhanced, while there is a noticeable change in pace when a player passes a ball from a standing position than from within a run.
DECODED MEANING
Seabass spent an inordinate amount of time trying to perfect Steven Gerrard's short bulges this year, and we really didn't have any time left to fix anything else.
Originally Posted by Konami Press Release
Enhanced Master League: Master League has been thoroughly renewed with the enhancement of managerial aspects, which enables users to enjoy managing a team for a longer career lifespan. Seen by many as a key contributor to the series' success, the Master League elements in PES 2010 have been bolstered by far-ranging and vital new additions, dedicated to enriching the mode.
DECODED MEANING
What Master League? Oh. That. All of the feedback we've seen indicates that the fans are happy with the MasterLeague just the way it is. Hey, you can't improve on perfection now.
Originally Posted by Konami Press Release
AI: The Tokyo team has worked to improve the AI of the game, with Teamvision 2.0 implemented. Midfielders and defenders now work together to cover open space and close down attacks, meaning that cover can be provided for lower-ranked defenders. This also has the additional effect of removing soft goals, thus returning PES 2010 to its simulation roots. In terms of attacking, players can also now move several players at once, sending them into different areas, opening up more goal-scoring possibilities than ever before. As such, PES 2010 necessitates a new level of control from the player. Strategic thinking is as important as quick passing, but the new system greatly opens the way the player oversees control of the team. In free kick scenarios, for instance, players can now instigate the runs of the players awaiting the ball in the penalty area.
DECODED MEANING
The players will still move around the pitch in a mystifying fashion. It's just that they are going to make different movements around the pitch in a mystifying fashion. Although calling the blatant match scripting "Teamvision" and pretending that it's really artificial intelligence fooled nobody, we might sucker in a few people this time around if we call it "Teamvision 2".
Originally Posted by Konami Press Release
Match-Day Atmosphere: Crowd reactions to the on-field action are now more varied, with all new chants and cheers. The subtle difference between Home and Away matches will be reproduced, and the crowd will react spontaneously to specific situations in a game, showing their disdain or pleasure as fouls are committed and goals scored. Likewise, the commentary has been altered to offer a fresher, more concise overview of the game.
DECODED MEANING
We've added a new sign in the crowd. It says "Super Dolphin Rikidozan Tokyo Wonder Nelf!"
Originally Posted by Konami Press Release
Exclusive Europa League License: Konami has strengthened its relationship with UEFA and can announce it has secured the exclusive video game rights for the Europa League Licence (formerly known as the UEFA Cup). In addition Konami will be enhancing and developing the use of the UEFA Champions League within PES 2010 to make even better use of the best club football competition in the world.
DECODED MEANING
Kagemasa Kozuki-san gave us an even smaller licensing budget to work with this year than usual. Kind, wise, generous Kagemasa Kozuki-san! So we've gone all out and managed to obtain the license for the least popular football competition in the world. Europa League! Unfortunately, license for Uzbekistan Premier League too expensive.
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Funny stuff there. Seriously, Ive said it a hundred times and Ill say it again: Konami should build a brand new development team (bring in talented people, strong leaders, people with fresh ideas, etc.) and start from scratch. Take 2 years off and come out with a knock out game that will trump Fifa. Seabass' enthusiasm and energy is directly mirrored in the games he heads. Looks to me like he's not even passionate with PES anymore and he always looks bored and lame. Sometimes change is good.
